My parents went too far.

OK, so I haven't spoken to my parents since Christmas Day, and believe me I am SO happy about that. They were abusive, hypocritical and quite frankly, evil. The downside was not being able to talk to my oldest brother, as they own his house. However, he phoned me a couple days ago, to see how I was, and basically explain that he's at the same point that I am, doesn't want to know them. My nephew and neice won't go there unless my brother is with them ALL the time, it's terrible, I just don't understand why anybody would be like that.

In the meantime, my ME isn't exactly any better, but I still got denied DLA, so that's being appealed, and hopefully I'll get it as a result. The past few days haven't been great, I've been seeing two sets of stairs at times, and two cats (we only have one cat ffs! :P). And bills have been confusing us, so it's been getting to me. We'll get there though. On the plus side, water is sorted out, we have somebody looking at the gas and electric for us, and food won't be a problem. Next time to sort out housing benefits, as Hannah is paying the rent for now. :(

Mike in the meantime, once his loan comes in, is going to pay for our internet, the wonderful man. I'm stealing the church internet for now, which has me worried, Mike reckons I'll spontaneously combust if I spend time here. Yes, he's a git at times. I love him though.

The downside of using church internet is that I don't get to do readings, and I've also been so damned stressed out about everything that I haven't done readings much lately. :(

And I have no internets

I've moved away from York, and in with my best friend in Liverpool. It's been tough, as I really miss my fella, but it's the right thing to do. It means that he gets on with his uni work, rather than looking after me, and I'm not looking over my shoulder for Ave. I literally wasn't able to relax, and moving away has helped SO much.

I haven't explained about her before, she's the person who triggered my ME. I trusted her, and she assaulted me. I went to our boss, rather than the police, and I've regretted it ever since, I wish I had gone to the police now. I'm house bound and can't work anymore. It might sound vindictive, but she's got off scot free, and I just hope karma catches up to her. Enough about her though, waste of space she is.

I've been thinking a LOT about things, and the people I know. The upside of getting ME is that I finally know who REALLY care about me. My parents do not count among them, I phoned them on Christmas Day, and after less than 30 seconds they said goodbye and hung up. So sod them. Then I have some friends from uni who don't bother talking to me anymore, and others who have been amazing, and I'm so grateful to them. Some more than others, it has to be said, like Will and Ellie, and they've been amazing. And I'm happy, truly happy. :)

My sister, in the meantime, is getting married (to a different person than who I talked about a while ago), in May, which I'm pleased about. I think they'll be happy. :) Which brings me to my oldest brother. I wish I knew what to do about him, he and I used to be so close, but our parents own his house, so his hands are kinda tied. I miss him though. :( I hope he is OK...

Tarot now: I've got a new deck - The Mystic Dreamer, that I'm quite happy with, it's got some interesting cards, I'm not completely sure about all the images, but the cards have proved to be quite insightful. :)

I've got the Legacy of the Divine Tarot!

*grins massively* I've been wanting this deck since I first saw it on the Ciro Marchetti site, and I finally have my hands on it! :D It's so beautiful, I can't get over how amazing it is! :D

I also managed to have a shower on my own for the first time in months, and while it did wear me out massively, I do feel that much better, now that my hair is clean. It's not going to happen often, being able to do it on my own, but it was something, which is the main thing. I need to save up to get my hair cut, and coloured as well I think, I want to have some red put into it in time for Winter, it'll warm my appearance up, and getting it cut will mean that it'll be easier to look after my hair. I just don't have the strength to keep it long, unfortunately.

In the meantime, we're getting there with money, though I've had to put £30 aside for taxis, seeing as I have my medical assessment on wednesday, and my return to work meeting on the tuesday, and I will NOT be able to make it on my own. Tuesday I won't have Mike with me, either, which, to be honest, I'm really nervous about. However, he has to work, which is more important, as it gives us money for food! :D

Our TV is buggered, so we're concentrating on Final Fantasy XII, Mike's auto-levelling with Negalmuur, so I get to play Sims, which is taking an age to load, but so worth it. :D I download far too much for it. :P I can't actually think of anything else to put, so I'm going to just share the New Deck Interview I did, which I got from the tarot forum I go on: http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=44573

1. Tell me about yourself. What is your most important characteristic? Nine of Wands – “You can use the strength you have in reserve” – No matter how tough things might get, I will be able to turn to this deck to help find ways to keep going, and get past the barrier in my way.

2. What are your strengths as a deck? Six of Wands – “Enjoy the recognition you deserve” – This deck will tell me when I’m doing the right thing, and when I’ve made the right choice, and encourage me to continue to make the right choices.

3. What are your limits as a deck? 0: The Fool – “Forget everything you know, head out into the great unknown” – I believe that the deck will expect more from me than I am able to give at this time, due to having ME.

4. What do you bring to the table -- what are you here to teach me? Ten of Coins – “Appreciate your roots and resources” – The deck will help me to re-connect to my spiritual roots, and also to make the most of the resources at my disposal.

5. How can I best learn from and collaborate with you? XIV: Temperance – “Learn by trial and error” – I should be prepared to make mistakes, and learn from those mistakes, allow myself to grow as a result of them.

6. What is the potential outcome of our working relationship? VIII: Strength – “Feel your vitality, power, and gentleness” – I will find that my self confidence will rise from use of these cards, especially in my intuition and spirituality.

Happy Samhain

It's the first day of my new year, and it's pouring with rain outside. I'm glad though, it's cleaning away the past year, so that this year can start again. :)

Not that much will change, Mike's got uni work, and Final Fantasy XII to play, I have my cards and artwork, and Final Fantasy XII to play, people to try not to shout at. :P Ah well, we get through. :)

I was going to do a ritual, light candles, welcome in the new year, but I was far too drained/exhausted to contemplate it, unfortunately, but there's always next year. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt to wash my hair today, though I'll most likely have to get Mike to do it for me, because of how little strength I have today. I don't even think that I would be able to get my hair clean, but a friend needs me to go to uni with her tomorrow, for moral support, so I don't want to go looking like a grease monkey! :P And after that it'll be a case of getting the chain and charms afterwards as well. :)

What else is going on? Other than feeling REALLY crappy today, more so than usual, nothing really. I did add a couple of lads to Facebook, and I hope they add me, as I always got on with them. Unfortunately I then lost touch with them when I changed course, and then lost my phone with their numbers in. :( So keep your fingers crossed! :)

Again though, I'm too drained to do a reading, I can't even focus on Final Fantasy. I have a sneaking suspicion, what with a bunged up nose, sore throat and headache, that I've caught another bug, that Mike probably brought home from training day yesterday. He won't catch it though, he never does, the jammy bastard! <3

I didn't have enough spoons for a sandwich!

Figurative spoons that is! ;) So for lunch today I have tuna in a can, and two pieces of bread. :P Oops. Ah well.

I haven't updated for a couple of days, I've been having tummy issues, still am, but figured I had to eat SOMETHING! :O Mike's not here at the moment, as he's got his training day, for his new job. Bless him, he was up at 7, though we were both awake long before his alarm went off. And he tried to get me to go back to sleep, but no can do, the sleep still isn't happening since going back onto caffeinated tea for those few days. :( However, time will tell, I'll get back to normal (well as normal as I can be with M.E. :P)

In the meantime, I'm still waiting for a scarab pendant, but once I have that, I'll be able to make an Egyptian necklace, and get the Robin Wood Tarot in exchange. Somebody in America is making it for me though, so it's taking a while. :(

I also still haven't been able to get the chain I need to do the two charm bracelets for two small girls, but I'm going into uni on Monday, as a friend is having problems, and is really nervous about asking to see a councillor on her own, bless her. So Mike will come with me to meet her, and once Becki is sorted, I'll get Mike to come with me into town, so I can buy the chain, and maybe some extra little charms, they'll look purty! :D

I also have two other necklaces to make, also in exchange for books, this time books about pagan rites and rituals, which will be brilliant for me, as I've started getting into it. I just really hope I have the strength and energy for it! :/

Just today I'm completely drained. As I said, Mike's at his training day, so I've had to fend for myself. I went to the kitchen, to put a couple of crumpets in the toaster, and before I could do anything, I had to get the spray out and wipe down the surface. That has completely exhausted me. :( I actually can't explain how difficult this condition is to live with, but to give a general idea, one tarot deck I have, the Truth-Seeker's Tarot, is thicker than most, but one of my favourites, and I can't use it now, because the cards are too thick, and have made my hands and arms ache because of the effort from shuffling them. And this is one of my better days! :( So I'm offering them to a woman on my tarot forum, and if she doesn't want them, I'm putting them up for general trade on the same forum. They're an amazing deck, but I just can't physically use them. :(

It's got me thinking about my own deck though, which I still haven't added anything new to, I'm concentrating on my Final Fantasy XII game (rather than the FFXII project too! :P) It did however lead me to the question to ask the tarot today: What can I do to become relaxed and calm enough to do more to my tarot deck?

For this I used my animals divine deck, and drew just three cards, mind body spirit:

Mind - Ace of Pentacles - I need to make plans about what I'm going to do and when, and stick to those plans, as otherwise I won't be able to progress with the deck in the way that I want to.

Body - Queen of Wands - This, I believe is telling me that I mustn't give up. It's going to be difficult to do the art, but that as long as I persevere, and do it bit by bit, then I'll succeed.

Spirit - Two of Wands - I have to make sure that I'm ready to do this project, in a spiritual sense, which I sometimes doubt. So I have to make sure that I am prepared for the spiritual journey, and where it is going to take me.

My sister MAY be getting married, in 2012. Let's hope the world doesn't actually end!

My biological sister told me last night that her and her boyfriend have been talking about getting married in 2012. Thing is, I'm concerned that she's wanting to do this because she doesn't want to end up alone. That sounds really horrible, but she's already told me that she doesn't know if she loves him anymore, doesn't feel anything when they kiss, and even spoke to me for about a month about another guy, who she was considering leaving her current (currant?) boyfriend for, but then decided to stick with the first guy. The other thing that worries me is that she's only just had the divorce finalised from her previous marriage (they were dating three years, and married for three years). I don't know, she obviously knows herself better, but I am worried that she's making a mistake.

She has asked me to be a bridesmaid though, which how can I resist! ;) I think the dresses for the bridesmaids are going to be teal, which I love, and I just really hope that we're not wearing puffballs. :P I just don't have the figure! ;)

In better news, Mike had his job interview yesterday, and is now going to be having training for the job, and then starting not long after, from what I've worked out! :D We celebrated with chocolate and beer, while I played Final Fantasy XII - just killed the Mimic Queen (and a Nekhbet Rare Game in the Dalmascan Estersand), and I need to go through the Giza Plains and go kill Thextera, then I'll head back to Rabanastre and do other things. I need to get to level 14 before I go to the Lhusu mines though, as I don't use Quickenings, and Ba'Gamnen is level 12. Hmph! :P

I got distracted... Mike's job <3

It's working in a telephone call centre, which I know people hate getting those calls, and for the first 12 weeks he would be getting £4.80 an hour, which would then go up to £6 an hour! :D He'd only be working nights as well, so I'd get the TV to myself in the evenings, and while I'd have to get my own tea, it's something I'd be happy to do in exchange for Mike working. :D

It is also definitely the caffeine that screwed my sleeping patterns up though, which is odd, because coming off it did jack shit for my fatigue, but going back on it for two days stopped me sleeping? What's going on there?! I've ended up giving all of my specialist tea to my friend Daniel, doubling his tea collection, and I now have some green tea, some non de-caf for visitors and de-caf tea for me. I might have to get some chai though, with milk and sugar that is great at night, and it's a "spicy" tea (cinnamon and other such spices I believe), which is too divine for words! :D

I can't think of anything else to write today, and there's not going to be a tarot reading either, I haven't the strength to do that, unfortunately, so I'm going to put the PS2 on, get up to level 14 or 15, and go woop ba'gamnen's ass! ;)

Sims or Final Fantasy XII?

Either way, as long as it drowns out the people having sex in the room above me! The thing is that I can never work out how to get PS2 working, and Mike's gone to his job interview. I'm somewhat nervous about it, he's been saying for the past two days that he's not going to get the job, and I'm worried that it'll show through, and that would mean that he wouldn't get it in the end. I just hope he calms down.

I'm thinking that I need to switch back to de-caf tea, as since going back to normal tea (which doesn't taste any different), I've not been sleeping at all, which is majorly taking it's toll on me, but we can't afford to get any de-caf tea again yet. :( I don't think I had more than about two hours sleep last night. It wasn't much better the past two days either. :( I just take naps when I can, not much else I can do. It has meant that I haven't been able to do anything else other than computer as a result, and for some reason I've really been missing cooking at the moment. I also have a nasty cough, keep coughing stuff up, so I'll have to get some more Buttercup Syrup, the stuff is brilliant! I can't help wondering if the caffeine in the tea now is making that worse, as it's developed in the last day or two. It's odd, I didn't know caffeine could do that, if it is the tea.

OOOH! Just heard my housemate and is girlfriend talking, apparantly he's not been paid, and I know that he's on disability benefits, and we suspect that he's committing benefit fraud too, as Mike has seen him signing up for job-seekers as well, which is illegal. So who knows, maybe he'll not be able to pay rent from now on, and will have to leave. That, to be honest, would be perfect. He does drugs, has minors around to do drugs with him, leaves the kitchen in such a state that it is caked with grease, and Mike's refusing to do it now, while I can't do it because of my ME. And you have to check before sitting down on the loo because he tends to piss on the seat. Gah!

That sounds really bad, but we've been living here since August, and he's made our lives hell since then, we had the police round 3 times in one week, and it would be so good if he wasn't here anymore. We'd be able to have a nice kitchen that people could work in without the risk of food poisoning, the bathroom would be maintained, the sofa and chair would actually have their cushions, rather than them being on his floor so that all his 14 year old friends can live on his floor. Blegh.

In the meantime, we keep getting automated phonecalls about not having to pay off our debts. It's driving me mad! :O We didn't sign up for them, so I don't know why we're getting them, and I wish they would stop.

Ah well. Time for the daily tarot reading. I chose this spread: http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=48860

It's one of my favourites, and I'm using my Tarot of Jane Austen, no reversals.

1. Stepping out into the crisp Autumn air, you go for a walk in the woods. This is where you are starting from: Lord of Teacups (King of Cups)

I have a stable and committed relationship, which is a plainly long-term thing, and I know that no matter where I go, I have Mike there to lean on and rely on in times of need.

2. As you walk down this path, you hear a twig cracking in the brush. These are the fears you will encounter: Lord of Coins (King of Pentacles)
This is also about Mike and I. I sometimes get worried that we won't be able to find a way to achieve material security, and I know that Mike would be the main bread-winner, because of my condition, and having to live on disabilities, and he has trouble in job interviews, so getting a full time job could be difficult for him. :(

3. So you wrap your shawl tightly around you, and grasp it tightly as you quicken your pace. This is that which you will find comfort in: Two of Coins (Two of Pentacles)
This is saying that, while, yes those things may concern me, at the same time, I do know that somehow we will make sure that we get through any prospective problem. We have also been discussing saving up a certain amount each week/month, for such emergencies. :)

4. Off in the distance you see a deer with it's fawn crossing appearing in your path. This is what you don't expect: Ace of Coins (Ace of Pentacles)
Again, this is about money and material matters, not-surprising considering what's been going on lately. And it seems to me that this is a more immeadiate future, rather than a long-term future, that money is going to be coming in sooner than expected.

5. A wise owl swoops above your head and lands on a far up branch. This is what you will learn along this path: Five of Coins (Five of Pentacles)
We will learn that no matter how hard things are, we have people or places to turn to in times of difficulty. And that no matter how hard things get, we will make it through the difficult times together.

6. As you reach the end of your journey, you ponder all that has happened and what has resulted. This is the outcome of your journey: XVI - The Tower

We've been struggling a lot lately, but we're going to be able to start rebuilding our way up again, from the bottom, and it's time to start our foundations, and work together to ensure our future is happy.