So much has happened lately - my big sister got married again, to a guy called Shaz. She seemed so happy, I was pleased to see. As well as that, I've finally got my kitten, a beautiful silver tabby called Bran (welsh for Raven, which oddly suits him). I also have two new decks, the Shadowscapes Tarot and the Renaissance Tarot by Helen Jones. I really like both the decks, though they'll be hard to read with at times I think, with how I've been lately...

In the meantime, Mike has decided that if he is able to get a 2:1 at uni, he wants to go down the University Lecturer route, so we've been looking at various places for him to do that. He needs to get an average of 75% in each module, which will be tough, but I believe in him. And then we can move back in together, which I can't wait to do, to be honest. I've been really missing him, and I'm happy when I'm around him, and I've not been happy for some time. :( I've tried to ignore my unhappiness, but it's just getting worse and worse, and I can't ignore it anymore. I have no idea what to do about it though. :(

I just want to feel like me again, to be honest, I miss that person. :(

WOO HOOOOO! INTERNETS!

WOOO HOOOOOOOO! I cannot express just how relieved I am to finally have the internet back. I've missed it so damned MUCH! Things haven't been great, the DWP is screwing me over big time with regards to benefits. I pass out in public, I have pains in my hands that mean that I can't lift things, and would drop things if I was holding them, I can't walk more than three minutes, and that's slowly. And yet I'm not a danger to myself or others. What horse sh*t!

On top of that, I have deteriorated health wise. However, I keep on, no sense in giving up, life doesn't work like that. :) So I keep on, keep doing what I need to, hoping that I don't collapse at any point.

Mike's being amazing as ever, he is truly wonderful, and I don't know what I'd do without him at times. He's trying to sort out taking me to Devon so that I can see my big brother and his partner and their kids, I haven't actually seen them in years, and I've missed them so much. Now I just have to wait for that brother of mine to phone back with information about b&bs for us to stay in... That always seems to be his problem, he doesn't EVER phone back, the git. :P

In the meantime, I still love this house, and I'm taking over the conservatory so that I can have a crafts area that isn't too hard to get too (I can't get up to the top room, too many stairs). So I'm going to transform the conservatory into a crafts room, as well as the kitten's training room (I'm getting a kitten soon, and it's the only room where she can be shut in while she's being housetrained.

I am apprehensive about how my housemate will deal with it though, as it's been very much her house, rather than our house, she's using TWO rooms as her bedroom, and pretty much all the decorations have been done by her. I feel like I have my bedroom, and that's it. It's why it's so important to me to have the room available so that I don't feel like I have to hide away upstairs. If I hadn't been feeling like this, I'd not be going ahead with this decision. However, I still am a bit nervous about it.

So I used my Llewellyn Tarot, and pulled five cards, no positions

Five of Wands, V - The Hierophant, XVIII - The Moon, Two of Pentacles and King of Pentacles

The Five of Wands says to me that she's not COMPLETELY OK with the idea of the conservatory being "my" room, even though I've said that it's a sharing room, but that I'll be doing my artwork down there. However, the Hierophant suggests that she will go along with it to be fair to me, as she knows that she has got more space to do things in than I do.

The Moon tells me that she might hide how she's feeling from me, to make things easier, but occasionally the five of wands thoughts will be more visible than she realises.

Then you have the Two of Pentacles and King of Pentacles. The Two of pentacles says to me that she will eventually be able to weigh up the pros and cons rationally, and see that the room isn't for ME on my own, but for the both of us to make the most of, as at the moment, it's a dumping ground for all our broken TVs and things that we don't want. The King of Pentacles says to me that she will be be happy with the new practical use for the conservatory, and will get as much use out of it as I will.

My parents went too far.

OK, so I haven't spoken to my parents since Christmas Day, and believe me I am SO happy about that. They were abusive, hypocritical and quite frankly, evil. The downside was not being able to talk to my oldest brother, as they own his house. However, he phoned me a couple days ago, to see how I was, and basically explain that he's at the same point that I am, doesn't want to know them. My nephew and neice won't go there unless my brother is with them ALL the time, it's terrible, I just don't understand why anybody would be like that.

In the meantime, my ME isn't exactly any better, but I still got denied DLA, so that's being appealed, and hopefully I'll get it as a result. The past few days haven't been great, I've been seeing two sets of stairs at times, and two cats (we only have one cat ffs! :P). And bills have been confusing us, so it's been getting to me. We'll get there though. On the plus side, water is sorted out, we have somebody looking at the gas and electric for us, and food won't be a problem. Next time to sort out housing benefits, as Hannah is paying the rent for now. :(

Mike in the meantime, once his loan comes in, is going to pay for our internet, the wonderful man. I'm stealing the church internet for now, which has me worried, Mike reckons I'll spontaneously combust if I spend time here. Yes, he's a git at times. I love him though.

The downside of using church internet is that I don't get to do readings, and I've also been so damned stressed out about everything that I haven't done readings much lately. :(

And I have no internets

I've moved away from York, and in with my best friend in Liverpool. It's been tough, as I really miss my fella, but it's the right thing to do. It means that he gets on with his uni work, rather than looking after me, and I'm not looking over my shoulder for Ave. I literally wasn't able to relax, and moving away has helped SO much.

I haven't explained about her before, she's the person who triggered my ME. I trusted her, and she assaulted me. I went to our boss, rather than the police, and I've regretted it ever since, I wish I had gone to the police now. I'm house bound and can't work anymore. It might sound vindictive, but she's got off scot free, and I just hope karma catches up to her. Enough about her though, waste of space she is.

I've been thinking a LOT about things, and the people I know. The upside of getting ME is that I finally know who REALLY care about me. My parents do not count among them, I phoned them on Christmas Day, and after less than 30 seconds they said goodbye and hung up. So sod them. Then I have some friends from uni who don't bother talking to me anymore, and others who have been amazing, and I'm so grateful to them. Some more than others, it has to be said, like Will and Ellie, and they've been amazing. And I'm happy, truly happy. :)

My sister, in the meantime, is getting married (to a different person than who I talked about a while ago), in May, which I'm pleased about. I think they'll be happy. :) Which brings me to my oldest brother. I wish I knew what to do about him, he and I used to be so close, but our parents own his house, so his hands are kinda tied. I miss him though. :( I hope he is OK...

Tarot now: I've got a new deck - The Mystic Dreamer, that I'm quite happy with, it's got some interesting cards, I'm not completely sure about all the images, but the cards have proved to be quite insightful. :)

I've got the Legacy of the Divine Tarot!

*grins massively* I've been wanting this deck since I first saw it on the Ciro Marchetti site, and I finally have my hands on it! :D It's so beautiful, I can't get over how amazing it is! :D

I also managed to have a shower on my own for the first time in months, and while it did wear me out massively, I do feel that much better, now that my hair is clean. It's not going to happen often, being able to do it on my own, but it was something, which is the main thing. I need to save up to get my hair cut, and coloured as well I think, I want to have some red put into it in time for Winter, it'll warm my appearance up, and getting it cut will mean that it'll be easier to look after my hair. I just don't have the strength to keep it long, unfortunately.

In the meantime, we're getting there with money, though I've had to put £30 aside for taxis, seeing as I have my medical assessment on wednesday, and my return to work meeting on the tuesday, and I will NOT be able to make it on my own. Tuesday I won't have Mike with me, either, which, to be honest, I'm really nervous about. However, he has to work, which is more important, as it gives us money for food! :D

Our TV is buggered, so we're concentrating on Final Fantasy XII, Mike's auto-levelling with Negalmuur, so I get to play Sims, which is taking an age to load, but so worth it. :D I download far too much for it. :P I can't actually think of anything else to put, so I'm going to just share the New Deck Interview I did, which I got from the tarot forum I go on: http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=44573

1. Tell me about yourself. What is your most important characteristic? Nine of Wands – “You can use the strength you have in reserve” – No matter how tough things might get, I will be able to turn to this deck to help find ways to keep going, and get past the barrier in my way.

2. What are your strengths as a deck? Six of Wands – “Enjoy the recognition you deserve” – This deck will tell me when I’m doing the right thing, and when I’ve made the right choice, and encourage me to continue to make the right choices.

3. What are your limits as a deck? 0: The Fool – “Forget everything you know, head out into the great unknown” – I believe that the deck will expect more from me than I am able to give at this time, due to having ME.

4. What do you bring to the table -- what are you here to teach me? Ten of Coins – “Appreciate your roots and resources” – The deck will help me to re-connect to my spiritual roots, and also to make the most of the resources at my disposal.

5. How can I best learn from and collaborate with you? XIV: Temperance – “Learn by trial and error” – I should be prepared to make mistakes, and learn from those mistakes, allow myself to grow as a result of them.

6. What is the potential outcome of our working relationship? VIII: Strength – “Feel your vitality, power, and gentleness” – I will find that my self confidence will rise from use of these cards, especially in my intuition and spirituality.

Happy Samhain

It's the first day of my new year, and it's pouring with rain outside. I'm glad though, it's cleaning away the past year, so that this year can start again. :)

Not that much will change, Mike's got uni work, and Final Fantasy XII to play, I have my cards and artwork, and Final Fantasy XII to play, people to try not to shout at. :P Ah well, we get through. :)

I was going to do a ritual, light candles, welcome in the new year, but I was far too drained/exhausted to contemplate it, unfortunately, but there's always next year. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt to wash my hair today, though I'll most likely have to get Mike to do it for me, because of how little strength I have today. I don't even think that I would be able to get my hair clean, but a friend needs me to go to uni with her tomorrow, for moral support, so I don't want to go looking like a grease monkey! :P And after that it'll be a case of getting the chain and charms afterwards as well. :)

What else is going on? Other than feeling REALLY crappy today, more so than usual, nothing really. I did add a couple of lads to Facebook, and I hope they add me, as I always got on with them. Unfortunately I then lost touch with them when I changed course, and then lost my phone with their numbers in. :( So keep your fingers crossed! :)

Again though, I'm too drained to do a reading, I can't even focus on Final Fantasy. I have a sneaking suspicion, what with a bunged up nose, sore throat and headache, that I've caught another bug, that Mike probably brought home from training day yesterday. He won't catch it though, he never does, the jammy bastard! <3

I didn't have enough spoons for a sandwich!

Figurative spoons that is! ;) So for lunch today I have tuna in a can, and two pieces of bread. :P Oops. Ah well.

I haven't updated for a couple of days, I've been having tummy issues, still am, but figured I had to eat SOMETHING! :O Mike's not here at the moment, as he's got his training day, for his new job. Bless him, he was up at 7, though we were both awake long before his alarm went off. And he tried to get me to go back to sleep, but no can do, the sleep still isn't happening since going back onto caffeinated tea for those few days. :( However, time will tell, I'll get back to normal (well as normal as I can be with M.E. :P)

In the meantime, I'm still waiting for a scarab pendant, but once I have that, I'll be able to make an Egyptian necklace, and get the Robin Wood Tarot in exchange. Somebody in America is making it for me though, so it's taking a while. :(

I also still haven't been able to get the chain I need to do the two charm bracelets for two small girls, but I'm going into uni on Monday, as a friend is having problems, and is really nervous about asking to see a councillor on her own, bless her. So Mike will come with me to meet her, and once Becki is sorted, I'll get Mike to come with me into town, so I can buy the chain, and maybe some extra little charms, they'll look purty! :D

I also have two other necklaces to make, also in exchange for books, this time books about pagan rites and rituals, which will be brilliant for me, as I've started getting into it. I just really hope I have the strength and energy for it! :/

Just today I'm completely drained. As I said, Mike's at his training day, so I've had to fend for myself. I went to the kitchen, to put a couple of crumpets in the toaster, and before I could do anything, I had to get the spray out and wipe down the surface. That has completely exhausted me. :( I actually can't explain how difficult this condition is to live with, but to give a general idea, one tarot deck I have, the Truth-Seeker's Tarot, is thicker than most, but one of my favourites, and I can't use it now, because the cards are too thick, and have made my hands and arms ache because of the effort from shuffling them. And this is one of my better days! :( So I'm offering them to a woman on my tarot forum, and if she doesn't want them, I'm putting them up for general trade on the same forum. They're an amazing deck, but I just can't physically use them. :(

It's got me thinking about my own deck though, which I still haven't added anything new to, I'm concentrating on my Final Fantasy XII game (rather than the FFXII project too! :P) It did however lead me to the question to ask the tarot today: What can I do to become relaxed and calm enough to do more to my tarot deck?

For this I used my animals divine deck, and drew just three cards, mind body spirit:

Mind - Ace of Pentacles - I need to make plans about what I'm going to do and when, and stick to those plans, as otherwise I won't be able to progress with the deck in the way that I want to.

Body - Queen of Wands - This, I believe is telling me that I mustn't give up. It's going to be difficult to do the art, but that as long as I persevere, and do it bit by bit, then I'll succeed.

Spirit - Two of Wands - I have to make sure that I'm ready to do this project, in a spiritual sense, which I sometimes doubt. So I have to make sure that I am prepared for the spiritual journey, and where it is going to take me.