OK, so I'm going to try and update everyday. It could get boring, seeing as I don't do much, but at least I'll be able to try and explain things in here...
I found the perfect way of explaining how Chronic Fatigue Syndrome affects me day to day, though it was written and thought up by a girl with Lupus: The Spoon Theory
In the meantime, I'm struggling today, tried being able to lie down, couldn't find the strength to support the computer on my lap, so am no sitting up, though I won't be able to do that for long, so I'll have to lie down again, without the laptop most likely. However, I have to get through each day, whether I like it or not.
What more can I say about my ME/CFS? It's left me bed bound, struggling to deal with stairs, and really crabby at times, which is not fair on Mike at all. I try and hide how bad it is from him as a result, which probably doesn''t help much either, to be honest, but there's so much pressure on him with uni, looking after me, that anything to take the pressure off him would be a blessing.
I explained in the previous post about what caused and triggered this condition, and I was thinking about the girl who attacked me recently. She cyber-stalked me for a year or two, and even now goes on the tarot forum we're both on, complaining about how I have scarred her for life, because I was honest with her, wouldn't lie to her, told her when she was being stupid, because nobody else would. And all that she has to deal with is feeling upset that somebody told her that she wasn't perfect. It bothers me that I've ended up trapped inside my own home essentially, and despite going to our boss, she got off scott free.
The other thing that bothers me lately is my parents. I haven't spoken to them since September, and it's been more peaceful for me, it has to be said, but the last time I spoke to them, they got all insulted when I'd had to explain to them that I'd never felt that I was good enough to them. They always compared me to Sarah Bloody Hamilton, who was such a boff that she got upset when she got less than 95% on a test. Me? I was getting Cs and Bs at the most, having tried my damndest with the work, and trying to tell my parents that I thought there was something wrong, as I could understand what was going on, but I found it really hard to get the words out, and that I couldn't concentrate for more than about 10 or 20 minutes. But no, they were just excuses because I couldn't be bothered. At least I proved them wrong, and was finally diagnosed with dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADD when I was in my second year of uni. And they'd beat me for the stupidest things, like playing the wrong note on my flute, not setting the table fast enough, or when I did it quickly, making too much noise. It was as if they wanted any excuse to punish me for nothing. My brothers didn't have to deal with anything like that, they could do no wrong it seemed. Even when I was sexually abused for two years by my middle brother, it wasn't my brother who got into trouble, even though I was only 7 when it started, and 9 when it finished, I was told off for wanting to talk to my biological sister about it, as it would get my brother into trouble, and that would never do! *sighs* I just wish they'd been able to accept me, encourage me in what I enjoyed, like my beloved Granny did. :(
Moving on to a happier note methinks, before I get too maudlin...
I've been trying to get on with my tarot deck, but it's proving so hard to be able to focus on it, my ADD is that much worse since getting ME, and so far I've done the Hippogriff and main circular design on my Wheel of Fortune, still have more creatures to add in though. It's going to take a loooooooooong time methinks. However, I'll still see about getting it published if I think it's good enough, and at least I know what I want each card (apart from the court cards) to look like, they're written up on the laptop, and ready to be used when the time comes. :)
I'm also going to do a daily tarot reading from now on, not about what my day is going to be like, but other questions, that I'll decide each day. Today I will do a five card reading about money, as we're starting to really struggle, and I'm getting kinda concerned. :/
Money Spread - Gilded Tarot (no reversals)
___2_______4___
_______3_______
___1_______5___
1) Financial Foundation - Eight of Wands
We're waiting for things to get going, such as Housing Benefits, Mike's student loan to come in, the Disability Living Allowance form to arrive, which will give us extra money to use that will help us deal with over-drafts, paying for proper food again etc.
2) Money coming into your life very soon - Three of Pentacles
We both want to be working hard, me on my tarot deck, Mike at uni, and I think this card is saying that the Student Loan will come in sooner than we expected, and that if I really concentrate on my tarot deck, that will also be done sooner than expected, and that maybe it will be worth something in the end.
3) Money opportunities you may want to consider more closely - IX The Hermit
I think this is about putting money aside for a rainy day, something we haven't really been doing, haven't been able to do as much as we'd like, and that it is something that we definately need to make sure we do each week once the money is in. I also think that it is to do with working on my tarot deck, that it would be easier for me to work on while Mike is at uni, and I'm on my own.
4) Who or what project will bring in new money - Queen of Wands
This Queen is all about creativity and passion, so again, refers to my tarot deck I believe, and is telling me to do my best with it, do what little I can, when I can, and to do my best with the work, but to most of all enjoy myself while working on the deck.
5) Result - Six of Pentacles
This is telling me that Mike's student loan will help us a lot, and that housing benefits and the Disability Living Allowance will also be approved, allowing Mike and I peace of mind from our money issues for a while.
No comments:
Post a Comment