I didn't have enough spoons for a sandwich!

Figurative spoons that is! ;) So for lunch today I have tuna in a can, and two pieces of bread. :P Oops. Ah well.

I haven't updated for a couple of days, I've been having tummy issues, still am, but figured I had to eat SOMETHING! :O Mike's not here at the moment, as he's got his training day, for his new job. Bless him, he was up at 7, though we were both awake long before his alarm went off. And he tried to get me to go back to sleep, but no can do, the sleep still isn't happening since going back onto caffeinated tea for those few days. :( However, time will tell, I'll get back to normal (well as normal as I can be with M.E. :P)

In the meantime, I'm still waiting for a scarab pendant, but once I have that, I'll be able to make an Egyptian necklace, and get the Robin Wood Tarot in exchange. Somebody in America is making it for me though, so it's taking a while. :(

I also still haven't been able to get the chain I need to do the two charm bracelets for two small girls, but I'm going into uni on Monday, as a friend is having problems, and is really nervous about asking to see a councillor on her own, bless her. So Mike will come with me to meet her, and once Becki is sorted, I'll get Mike to come with me into town, so I can buy the chain, and maybe some extra little charms, they'll look purty! :D

I also have two other necklaces to make, also in exchange for books, this time books about pagan rites and rituals, which will be brilliant for me, as I've started getting into it. I just really hope I have the strength and energy for it! :/

Just today I'm completely drained. As I said, Mike's at his training day, so I've had to fend for myself. I went to the kitchen, to put a couple of crumpets in the toaster, and before I could do anything, I had to get the spray out and wipe down the surface. That has completely exhausted me. :( I actually can't explain how difficult this condition is to live with, but to give a general idea, one tarot deck I have, the Truth-Seeker's Tarot, is thicker than most, but one of my favourites, and I can't use it now, because the cards are too thick, and have made my hands and arms ache because of the effort from shuffling them. And this is one of my better days! :( So I'm offering them to a woman on my tarot forum, and if she doesn't want them, I'm putting them up for general trade on the same forum. They're an amazing deck, but I just can't physically use them. :(

It's got me thinking about my own deck though, which I still haven't added anything new to, I'm concentrating on my Final Fantasy XII game (rather than the FFXII project too! :P) It did however lead me to the question to ask the tarot today: What can I do to become relaxed and calm enough to do more to my tarot deck?

For this I used my animals divine deck, and drew just three cards, mind body spirit:

Mind - Ace of Pentacles - I need to make plans about what I'm going to do and when, and stick to those plans, as otherwise I won't be able to progress with the deck in the way that I want to.

Body - Queen of Wands - This, I believe is telling me that I mustn't give up. It's going to be difficult to do the art, but that as long as I persevere, and do it bit by bit, then I'll succeed.

Spirit - Two of Wands - I have to make sure that I'm ready to do this project, in a spiritual sense, which I sometimes doubt. So I have to make sure that I am prepared for the spiritual journey, and where it is going to take me.

My sister MAY be getting married, in 2012. Let's hope the world doesn't actually end!

My biological sister told me last night that her and her boyfriend have been talking about getting married in 2012. Thing is, I'm concerned that she's wanting to do this because she doesn't want to end up alone. That sounds really horrible, but she's already told me that she doesn't know if she loves him anymore, doesn't feel anything when they kiss, and even spoke to me for about a month about another guy, who she was considering leaving her current (currant?) boyfriend for, but then decided to stick with the first guy. The other thing that worries me is that she's only just had the divorce finalised from her previous marriage (they were dating three years, and married for three years). I don't know, she obviously knows herself better, but I am worried that she's making a mistake.

She has asked me to be a bridesmaid though, which how can I resist! ;) I think the dresses for the bridesmaids are going to be teal, which I love, and I just really hope that we're not wearing puffballs. :P I just don't have the figure! ;)

In better news, Mike had his job interview yesterday, and is now going to be having training for the job, and then starting not long after, from what I've worked out! :D We celebrated with chocolate and beer, while I played Final Fantasy XII - just killed the Mimic Queen (and a Nekhbet Rare Game in the Dalmascan Estersand), and I need to go through the Giza Plains and go kill Thextera, then I'll head back to Rabanastre and do other things. I need to get to level 14 before I go to the Lhusu mines though, as I don't use Quickenings, and Ba'Gamnen is level 12. Hmph! :P

I got distracted... Mike's job <3

It's working in a telephone call centre, which I know people hate getting those calls, and for the first 12 weeks he would be getting £4.80 an hour, which would then go up to £6 an hour! :D He'd only be working nights as well, so I'd get the TV to myself in the evenings, and while I'd have to get my own tea, it's something I'd be happy to do in exchange for Mike working. :D

It is also definitely the caffeine that screwed my sleeping patterns up though, which is odd, because coming off it did jack shit for my fatigue, but going back on it for two days stopped me sleeping? What's going on there?! I've ended up giving all of my specialist tea to my friend Daniel, doubling his tea collection, and I now have some green tea, some non de-caf for visitors and de-caf tea for me. I might have to get some chai though, with milk and sugar that is great at night, and it's a "spicy" tea (cinnamon and other such spices I believe), which is too divine for words! :D

I can't think of anything else to write today, and there's not going to be a tarot reading either, I haven't the strength to do that, unfortunately, so I'm going to put the PS2 on, get up to level 14 or 15, and go woop ba'gamnen's ass! ;)

Sims or Final Fantasy XII?

Either way, as long as it drowns out the people having sex in the room above me! The thing is that I can never work out how to get PS2 working, and Mike's gone to his job interview. I'm somewhat nervous about it, he's been saying for the past two days that he's not going to get the job, and I'm worried that it'll show through, and that would mean that he wouldn't get it in the end. I just hope he calms down.

I'm thinking that I need to switch back to de-caf tea, as since going back to normal tea (which doesn't taste any different), I've not been sleeping at all, which is majorly taking it's toll on me, but we can't afford to get any de-caf tea again yet. :( I don't think I had more than about two hours sleep last night. It wasn't much better the past two days either. :( I just take naps when I can, not much else I can do. It has meant that I haven't been able to do anything else other than computer as a result, and for some reason I've really been missing cooking at the moment. I also have a nasty cough, keep coughing stuff up, so I'll have to get some more Buttercup Syrup, the stuff is brilliant! I can't help wondering if the caffeine in the tea now is making that worse, as it's developed in the last day or two. It's odd, I didn't know caffeine could do that, if it is the tea.

OOOH! Just heard my housemate and is girlfriend talking, apparantly he's not been paid, and I know that he's on disability benefits, and we suspect that he's committing benefit fraud too, as Mike has seen him signing up for job-seekers as well, which is illegal. So who knows, maybe he'll not be able to pay rent from now on, and will have to leave. That, to be honest, would be perfect. He does drugs, has minors around to do drugs with him, leaves the kitchen in such a state that it is caked with grease, and Mike's refusing to do it now, while I can't do it because of my ME. And you have to check before sitting down on the loo because he tends to piss on the seat. Gah!

That sounds really bad, but we've been living here since August, and he's made our lives hell since then, we had the police round 3 times in one week, and it would be so good if he wasn't here anymore. We'd be able to have a nice kitchen that people could work in without the risk of food poisoning, the bathroom would be maintained, the sofa and chair would actually have their cushions, rather than them being on his floor so that all his 14 year old friends can live on his floor. Blegh.

In the meantime, we keep getting automated phonecalls about not having to pay off our debts. It's driving me mad! :O We didn't sign up for them, so I don't know why we're getting them, and I wish they would stop.

Ah well. Time for the daily tarot reading. I chose this spread: http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=48860

It's one of my favourites, and I'm using my Tarot of Jane Austen, no reversals.

1. Stepping out into the crisp Autumn air, you go for a walk in the woods. This is where you are starting from: Lord of Teacups (King of Cups)

I have a stable and committed relationship, which is a plainly long-term thing, and I know that no matter where I go, I have Mike there to lean on and rely on in times of need.

2. As you walk down this path, you hear a twig cracking in the brush. These are the fears you will encounter: Lord of Coins (King of Pentacles)
This is also about Mike and I. I sometimes get worried that we won't be able to find a way to achieve material security, and I know that Mike would be the main bread-winner, because of my condition, and having to live on disabilities, and he has trouble in job interviews, so getting a full time job could be difficult for him. :(

3. So you wrap your shawl tightly around you, and grasp it tightly as you quicken your pace. This is that which you will find comfort in: Two of Coins (Two of Pentacles)
This is saying that, while, yes those things may concern me, at the same time, I do know that somehow we will make sure that we get through any prospective problem. We have also been discussing saving up a certain amount each week/month, for such emergencies. :)

4. Off in the distance you see a deer with it's fawn crossing appearing in your path. This is what you don't expect: Ace of Coins (Ace of Pentacles)
Again, this is about money and material matters, not-surprising considering what's been going on lately. And it seems to me that this is a more immeadiate future, rather than a long-term future, that money is going to be coming in sooner than expected.

5. A wise owl swoops above your head and lands on a far up branch. This is what you will learn along this path: Five of Coins (Five of Pentacles)
We will learn that no matter how hard things are, we have people or places to turn to in times of difficulty. And that no matter how hard things get, we will make it through the difficult times together.

6. As you reach the end of your journey, you ponder all that has happened and what has resulted. This is the outcome of your journey: XVI - The Tower

We've been struggling a lot lately, but we're going to be able to start rebuilding our way up again, from the bottom, and it's time to start our foundations, and work together to ensure our future is happy.

Jewellry in the offing! :D

OK, so I'll be making loads of jewellry for people once I have the stuff I need, an Egyptian style one in exchange for the Robin Wood tarot, once the pendant has arrived, and then some other pieces in exchange for the Legend: Arthurian deck (so beautiful!), and book called Animal Wisdom, which I love. :D In the meantime, I took two of my pendants, two hands holding hearts, saying "Love" and "You", and have made myself some earrings. They may be simple, but they still look good, though I say so myself. ;)

So I've got the things I need for that ready, so that once I have the things that I need to do them, I can make them, then send them off. I won't be doing any more to my tarot deck for a while, as Mike and I have been playing Final Fantasy XII, and we were both fed up with trying to work out the loot that we needed to keep, and sell, so I'm creating my own version in Excel, which is a lot more fun than it should be, I'm sure! ;)

I don't have much energy today, so I'm going to have a day of gaming, and getting as much done of the FFXII Bazaar file done, I've got as far as the Crossbows and Bolts, so I'll try and get the sheet done where the items are listed that you can get from the bazaar, and then what you need to buy them. People who have played FFXII will know what I mean, I know. ;)

Right now I'm on my own though, as Mike has gone to find the place where he is having a job interview tomorrow. I really hope that he gets it, as it would mean that we'd have extra money, and we'd also be able to have time away from each other, which will help a lot I think. It would be something else to put on his CV as well, as he's only worked at Card Factory in the past, so people don't always consider him. It doesn't help that in York nobody will employ students. It's ridiculous this is a student town, with two universities, all willing to work, but none being able to. This was going on before the credit crunch too. :(

So I did a five card reading with my Llewellyn Tarot (for those that don't know tarot, it's based on Welsh myths and legends, it's great! :D), asking what we could expect if Mike got the job:

XXI - The Universe (The World); 0 - The Fool; Six of Cups; XVI - The Tower; Page of Wands

OK, so the Tower concerned me, but I grabbed the book, to see what I could find to understand how it fits with the seemingly contradictory other cards. What popped out: if one has been living under oppression, the the change with be freedom. That fits with the other cards in my opinion. The Fool with the Page of Wands suggests to me that the job would be a new start for him, help him to feel more positive attitude in general, and could also bring something else to his life that he would enjoy, rather than spending his time with the Giant in the Playground, and playing on the PS2 and other consoles (nothing wrong with that, but having more to do would be good for him...) Then you have the six of cups, which I believe is about the people who Mike could end up working with would be good company for him, and also help him with his self esteem as he doesn't have that great self esteem (no idea why not, he's an amazing guy, friendly, funny, caring, he means the world to me.) Which leads to the final card, and the Universe (The World in other decks). I think this one is saying that we will have all that we need as a result of Mike the job, we'd be happier, be able to buy proper food, and generally be in a better spiritual and emotional place.

Why aren't there any nice lily type designs for the blog?!

OK, so I'm going to try and update everyday. It could get boring, seeing as I don't do much, but at least I'll be able to try and explain things in here...

I found the perfect way of explaining how Chronic Fatigue Syndrome affects me day to day, though it was written and thought up by a girl with Lupus: The Spoon Theory

In the meantime, I'm struggling today, tried being able to lie down, couldn't find the strength to support the computer on my lap, so am no sitting up, though I won't be able to do that for long, so I'll have to lie down again, without the laptop most likely. However, I have to get through each day, whether I like it or not.

What more can I say about my ME/CFS? It's left me bed bound, struggling to deal with stairs, and really crabby at times, which is not fair on Mike at all. I try and hide how bad it is from him as a result, which probably doesn''t help much either, to be honest, but there's so much pressure on him with uni, looking after me, that anything to take the pressure off him would be a blessing.

I explained in the previous post about what caused and triggered this condition, and I was thinking about the girl who attacked me recently. She cyber-stalked me for a year or two, and even now goes on the tarot forum we're both on, complaining about how I have scarred her for life, because I was honest with her, wouldn't lie to her, told her when she was being stupid, because nobody else would. And all that she has to deal with is feeling upset that somebody told her that she wasn't perfect. It bothers me that I've ended up trapped inside my own home essentially, and despite going to our boss, she got off scott free.

The other thing that bothers me lately is my parents. I haven't spoken to them since September, and it's been more peaceful for me, it has to be said, but the last time I spoke to them, they got all insulted when I'd had to explain to them that I'd never felt that I was good enough to them. They always compared me to Sarah Bloody Hamilton, who was such a boff that she got upset when she got less than 95% on a test. Me? I was getting Cs and Bs at the most, having tried my damndest with the work, and trying to tell my parents that I thought there was something wrong, as I could understand what was going on, but I found it really hard to get the words out, and that I couldn't concentrate for more than about 10 or 20 minutes. But no, they were just excuses because I couldn't be bothered. At least I proved them wrong, and was finally diagnosed with dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADD when I was in my second year of uni. And they'd beat me for the stupidest things, like playing the wrong note on my flute, not setting the table fast enough, or when I did it quickly, making too much noise. It was as if they wanted any excuse to punish me for nothing. My brothers didn't have to deal with anything like that, they could do no wrong it seemed. Even when I was sexually abused for two years by my middle brother, it wasn't my brother who got into trouble, even though I was only 7 when it started, and 9 when it finished, I was told off for wanting to talk to my biological sister about it, as it would get my brother into trouble, and that would never do! *sighs* I just wish they'd been able to accept me, encourage me in what I enjoyed, like my beloved Granny did. :(

Moving on to a happier note methinks, before I get too maudlin...

I've been trying to get on with my tarot deck, but it's proving so hard to be able to focus on it, my ADD is that much worse since getting ME, and so far I've done the Hippogriff and main circular design on my Wheel of Fortune, still have more creatures to add in though. It's going to take a loooooooooong time methinks. However, I'll still see about getting it published if I think it's good enough, and at least I know what I want each card (apart from the court cards) to look like, they're written up on the laptop, and ready to be used when the time comes. :)

I'm also going to do a daily tarot reading from now on, not about what my day is going to be like, but other questions, that I'll decide each day. Today I will do a five card reading about money, as we're starting to really struggle, and I'm getting kinda concerned. :/

Money Spread - Gilded Tarot (no reversals)

___2_______4___
_______3_______
___1_______5___

1) Financial Foundation - Eight of Wands
We're waiting for things to get going, such as Housing Benefits, Mike's student loan to come in, the Disability Living Allowance form to arrive, which will give us extra money to use that will help us deal with over-drafts, paying for proper food again etc.

2) Money coming into your life very soon - Three of Pentacles
We both want to be working hard, me on my tarot deck, Mike at uni, and I think this card is saying that the Student Loan will come in sooner than we expected, and that if I really concentrate on my tarot deck, that will also be done sooner than expected, and that maybe it will be worth something in the end.

3) Money opportunities you may want to consider more closely - IX The Hermit
I think this is about putting money aside for a rainy day, something we haven't really been doing, haven't been able to do as much as we'd like, and that it is something that we definately need to make sure we do each week once the money is in. I also think that it is to do with working on my tarot deck, that it would be easier for me to work on while Mike is at uni, and I'm on my own.

4) Who or what project will bring in new money - Queen of Wands
This Queen is all about creativity and passion, so again, refers to my tarot deck I believe, and is telling me to do my best with it, do what little I can, when I can, and to do my best with the work, but to most of all enjoy myself while working on the deck.

5) Result - Six of Pentacles
This is telling me that Mike's student loan will help us a lot, and that housing benefits and the Disability Living Allowance will also be approved, allowing Mike and I peace of mind from our money issues for a while.